This is just a collection of funny stuff I've found around the internet. I take no responsibility for any of it, although I have performed some of the rituals after Rocky Horror Picture Show.
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of the Goddess they were,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
and I asked Her, "What have we here?
These prints are large and round and neat,
But much too big to be from feet."
"My child," She said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You would not learn, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.
"Because in life, there comes a time
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."
Author Unknown
Sacred Erisian High Mass of the Krispy Kreme Kabal
Reverend DM Psiqosys
LET IT BE KNOWN that this Mass contains mystical secrets of an order previously unknown to this piece of paper. LET IT BE KNOWN that this Mass is of the Highest Order and the Inner Circle and the Upper Echelon, and as such should be reproduced in full or in part only by those who wish to do so.
LET IT BE KNOWN that this Mass may be performed by five persons, provided those five persons are willing to perform. The five officiating ritualists are referred to by the following titles: High Holy Boss of Religion, Great Overseer of Forbidden Arcana, Omnipotent Matriarch/Patriarch of The Mystic Realms, Most Divine Empirical Pedagogical Wizard, and Head Enchilada of Miscellany. Collectively, the five officiating ritualists are second in power only to Goddess Herself, or to any members of the congregation present at the Mass. To save space, the five officiating ritualists shall henceforth be referred to as simply #1, #2, etc.
ACT I: The Climactic Sacrament of Ecstatic Communion
(all members of the congregation mob around the altar and receive communion of orange juice, dispensed by #2, and Donuts (preferably jelly), dispensed by #3. As each congregant receives their portion of the Hostess, they should place their minds into a meditative state by thinking impure thoughts about Goddess, or another member of the congregation.)
#5 : And Goddess spake: And when you, my children, have wandered through the night and grown hungry, you shall behold the holy beacon of the donut shop, wherein thou shalt consume donuts in my name.
#4 : And you shall fear not the cops and drunkards which abound at such all-night eateries, for they too seek my glory, though they find it not solely through the rites of eating donuts.
#1 : But you, my children, have beheld the mysteries of the Golden Apple, and quaffed the pleasant-tasting syrup which flows from within. #5 : For the uninitiated shall not know the full meaning of KALLISTI, for they do not understand Greek!
#4 : And if you, my chi ld, understand Greek, make sure you use some (ahem) protection! (Officials may ad-lib further, or simply remain silent, depending on how ugly the crowd gets, until everyone has taken communion.)
ACT II: The Invocation and Sycophantic Supplication unto Goddess
#1 : We are gathered here today in the sight of Goddess in order that we might conduct the Sacred High Mass of Eris.
#2 : Hail Eris, Full of Grace!
#3 : Holy Queen of Outer Space!
#4 : Leading Lady of This Place!
#4 : Hail Eris, Full of Grace!
#5 : Hail Eris, Lady of Chaos!
#3 : Hail Eris!
Alli : All Hail Discordia!
ACT III: The Sacred Litany
All : I say, my dog has no nose!
#2 : No nose?!? How does he smell?!?
All : Bloody awful!
#1 : LET IT BE KNOWN that Dog spelled backwards is goD!
#4 : LET IT BE KNOWN that Cow spelled backwards is woC!
#3 : LET IT BE KNOWN that Pterodactyl spelled backwards is difficult to pronounce!
All : And that's the fact, Jack!
ACT IV: The Benevolent Adoration and Implied Genuflection
#5 : And Goddess spoke, saying "I just flew in from Nirvana.
#2 : And boy, was that a noisy airplane!
#4 : And the servant of Goddess sought to know Her, and soon found ineffable bliss.
#1 : And boy, were his arms tired!
#3 : Let the simulated crowd noise commence!
All : Watermelon cantelope watermelon cantelope (etc. etc.)
ACT V: The Malevolent Benediction And Spewing Forth Of The Holy Laws
#2 : (shouting over the simulated crowd noise): And when Goddess heard the crowds growing restless, She realized they lacked direction. #3 : And direction She gave them! Goddess towered above the confused hordes, and gave them the twenty-three commandments! (#3 raises hands dramatically, and simulated crowd noise immediately ceases.)
#1 : Thou shalt have other Goddesses before dinnertime!
All : Or not!
#4 : Thou shalt worship worship worship idols!
All : Or not!
#5 : Thou shalt take the Lord's name in vain!
All : And what if we don't, GODDAMMIT?!?!?
#3 : Thou shalt drink beer and listen to old Black Sabbath albums!
All : Or not!
#2 : If participating in the three-legged race at the next family reunion, strive for Honorable Mention!
All : Or not!
#1-#5 simultaneously: KILL! MURDER! MAIM! DESTROY! (x5)
All : Get serious!
#4 : Sorry, wrong religion. Thou shalt not commit adulthood!
All : Pretty pleeeeeeeeeeez?!?
#2 : Well, maybe, if you eat all your peas.
Thou shalt go around stealing people in the face for no particular reason.
All : I think not!
#3 : Agreed. Thou shalt not watch America's Most Wanted in hopes of seeing thine next-door neighbor.
All : Agreed!
Thou shalt not, under any circumstance, read this sentence aloud.
All : Blasphemer! Blasphemer! Blasphemer!
#5 : And if you have enjoyed these commandments, and wish to receive more, send 1-800-666-3747 to the post office box; not eligible to VISA or Mastercard owners. Allow $23.93 for delivery, C.O.D's void with your complementary gift.
All : Thank you all, and have a nice day!
Taco Bell Ritual Running for the Spiritual Border:
The Deeper Mysteries of Taco Bell
The moon was full and the streets were glowing with power on this appointed day. Clad in rituali garb, I silently walked towards my place of worship.
Soon it towered before me: Taco Bell. The mirror of my heart and the captain of my soul. I closed my eyes to ground and center. As I felt my inner power grow, I intoned the ancient chant:
"59-79-99, 59-79-99."
I watched almost from a distance as my hand reached out and opened the door to this holy temple of human desire. I entered the ritual space deliberately, but reverently. As the door closed behind me and the sounds of the street faded to a negligible chatter, I could begin to hear the spirits of this domain in their eternal song. Their song took the melody from the chorus of that famous Pagan song by Charlie Murphy: "Taco, Burritos, Mexi-Nuggets, Nachos, Soft Drink, Tostada."
As I took my place at the rear of the line of novices, I could see and hear ahead of me the graceful movements and words of the purple-clad priests and priestesses. One of the elders was imparting magickal wisdom to a young initiate: "Turn that stove down - the tortillas are getting charred!"
Ah, I thought, they have not forgotten the burning timesi.
Yesterday, upon the advice of a wise urban Shaman I met late at night downtown, I had stuffed a taco in my pants. I could still feel its pressure against my second chakra, filling my body with its warm, yet chili energy.
Soon I reached the front of the line of novices. A sacred temple priestess stood before me, clad in a hat bearing the logo of her order. "My Will is four light bean burritos, hold the cheese, with a small soft drink. So mote it be."
The power present in the room twisted her face into what in mundanei life would be interpreted as confusion. I made the ritual offering of metal discs, gifts of the earth, as she made the traditional magickal response: "Would you like that for here or to go?"
At last, I was ready to take my place at an altar. My four burritos, wrapped in their silver metallic wrappers, lay before me. "Shining ones,"
I murmured. I was profoundly moved, almost swooning as I reverently took one out of its wrapper. "May you never hunger,"
I said as I emptied a ritual sauce packet on it.
Now it was time to invokei an element. "I call air,"
I said as I farted noisily. The novice behind me made a gagging sound and moved away. "Oh well,"
I told him, "go if you must, stay if you will."
Next, thinking on the Great Rite, I inserted my straw into my soft drink.
The room was swirling with energy. I felt my stomach turn in sympathy. I hoped I wouldn't have to go to the bathroom to practice the law of threefold return. Quickly, I reestablished my groundingi.
But the energy was at its peak, and I could hold my voice back no longer. Leaping on my chosen altar and holding my athamei-burrito high, I cried, "Trifold taco! Be with us now as we honor you with cup and bean!"
It was a transcendent moment. The quizzical looks on the faces of the novices before me only deepened the sense of profound mystery that I knew we must all be feeling.
But by the appearance of the two large uniformed gentlemen in front of me, I knew that my role in this ritual had come to a close. I felt as they dragged me out the door that my feet were not even touching the ground. With my soul in the clouds and my feet on the earth, I turned to the outer doors of the temple and bowed my head. "Merry eat, and merry fart, and merry eat again."
Blessed bean!
© Dedric
© 2001 Mother (page layout only)
NOTE: This rituali was dictated to me whilst skrying into the black,
shiny part of an Elvis record.
The purpose of this ritual is clear the area of all Elvis-negative
influences.
This includes all that is not patroitic and all that is not of White
Trash at heart.
Begin by facing in the direction of Graceland. For easy reference, we
shall call this East.
1: Visualize the infinitely bright light of a Las Vegas spotlight
descending upon you.
2: Draw this Holy Light into your head, intoning:
LOVE ME
3: Point downward, hand over... personal privates... , intoning:
TENDER
4: Point to right shoulder.
LOVE ME
5: Point to left shoulder.
TRUE
This is the Holy Cross of Elvis. Conclude by saying: "Uh-huh".
6: Facing East (Graceland), draw a bright, blue, sequined pentagram
in the air. Be sure to visualize the light relfecting off of the
shimmering sequines. Intone:
Ehhhh
7: Repeat step six to the south. Intone:
Lllll
8: To the west, intone:
Vihhhhh
9: To the north, intone:
ssssss
Between each of the above steps, you should make part of a circlei
connecting each pentagram. This circle should be made of the Light of
the Holy Las Vegas Spotlight. Imagine yourself bathed in the Holy
Vegas Light. Face Graceland.
10: Before you, imagine Elvis as a baby, containing his True Elvis
Potential. This is the Elvis of Air.
Say: ELVIS, thou who were born a King in Lowly Surroundings. Fulfill
your potential. Be present with me today.
11: Behind you, imagine the young man Elvis, on the brink of Stardom.
This is the Elvis of Water.
Say: ELVIS, thou who art about to realize your Kingliness among men.
Fulfill that Potential. Be with me today.
12: To your right, imagine Elvis in the prime of his career, when he
was making movies and the like. He thrusts his pelvis suggestively.
This is the Elvis of Fire.
Say: ELVIS, thou who art leading us to Light. Be with me today.
13: To your left, imagine Elvis in his Las Vegas stage. He wears
sunglasses and is slightly pudgy. This is the Elvis of Earth.
Say: ELVIS, thou who didst die on the pot of an overdose. Be with me
today.
Repeat the Holy Cross of Elvis. Thus ends the Ritual.
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This ritual should be repeated daily. If you wish, you may use Elvis
music in the background to aid your concentration. If you have an
altar, it should contain a Microphone Wand, a Microphone-Stand
Dagger, an Elvis "45 Disc, and small porcelain toilet (Chalicei).
May the Holy Light of Las Vegas Shine within you.
Love is the Law. Love under Rock & Roll.
Stolen From:
Rev. Saint Pope Oblyvion
Disorder of the Silver Cantaloupe
For a good laugh go here: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Olympus/6346